Holy Crap!! Where Did My Confidence Go And How Do I Get It Back?
By Annie Berryhill
Here is the definition from Dictionary.com
Full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, reliability of a person or thing, belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities;
This has been a top-of-mind topic as I think about my upcoming 95# Snatch goal.
Sounds pretty much like what we have always been taught, what most people would agree confidence is. What strikes me about actual confidence though, is how fleeting it can be.
On one day, based on my attitude, performance and result in a competition, I was SUPER-Loaded with confidence, damn near cockiness. As I laid in bed, getting ready to fall asleep, I imagined myself in every way executing the lift- confidently, smoothly,powerfully. I really, really believed to the depth of my soul that I was able to do this lift at this weight. As I set up my practice time the next morning, things were on the right track to match up with what I planned. I moved the bar at a lower weight, it went up and over my head, like an instructional video. I loaded the correct weight, almost giddy with the realization that I was about to execute this big, new weight.
But it was not to be. Even as I began to move the bar, the weight of it stunned me and as brightly and powerfully as confidence had moved in, the big, black cloud of doubt blotted out what I thought was unshakable confidence. I could not even finish the lift enough to fail. Now … doubt OWNED me … OWNED me … and that really sucked. Where the holy crap did that confidence go? What did I do to lose it … how in the world would I get it back?
I asked my hubby about this. He is my go-to guy on stuff like this because he played 10 years of Major League Baseball and I am only now beginning to understand what it took for him to get there and stay there both mentally and physically.
When I asked him what confidence was, he said "For me, it's knowing, through doing something over and over, even failing at times, that I am capable of doing what is expected of me from myself and my team." He went on to say how the more you do something, the deeper your confidence becomes. That makes a ton of sense to me, especially because the thing I have to do, I have only tried and failed ONCE at doing. So of course my confidence is going to be shaky! I have not even developed a foundation of things to draw upon when doubt darkens the doorway.
Moving forward, my goal is to
… Just Do it … Do it til I make it … Do it to Fail …
Do it-DO it -DO IT!
THEN I will develop the basis for unstoppable confidence that doesn't disappear like smoke
I have to admit, it's scary. It's scary because people expect this thing from me, NEED me to do this thing. The sprouts of confidence get trampled by focusing on expectations like that. It's also scary because I don't like to fail, it feels bad, I really don't want to put myself in a situation that would put me nose to nose with my shortcomings.
But I want confidence. I want this 95# Snatch and I want it 21 Times. I really, really do. So I will enter the gates of the unknown, and give it my very best. When I put my head on my pillow and my visualizations are put to rest, I will know that I did the very, best I could do. Moving forward, confidence will be my foundation.
Yes … I like it …
Confidence – unwavering, reliable, within reach, steadfast – Confidence
And I am willing to go through whatever I have to go through …
To do whatever I have to do …
To get IT !!
More to come….
Anne (Annie) Berryhill is a Crossfit Level 1 Trainer, athlete and competitor who owns and operates OC Fitness Revival in Orange County, CA. Services include personal and group training, nutrition classes and counseling and she teaches people how to get the most out of what they've got. Contact her today for a class visit or nutrition consultation
(949) 280-3407 Anne@anneberryhill.com